Verónica (they/them/elle)

Interview with Verónica, Summer 2024

Who is your hero?
my aunt (father’s sister) because she is sure of herself

What is your biggest fear?
being trapped/confined- physically or intellectually

What really makes you angry?
colonialism and capitalism

What is your favorite book to read or favorite author?
my current favorite is Left Hand of Darkness by Ursula K. Le Guin, but I also enjoy novels by Sarah Waters

What is your opinion of ghosts and phantoms?
I believe in them. My family is Puerto Rican and we have a history and connection with espiritismo, which is home and community based. I also have aunts and cousins with a Catholic background, so spirituality is varied but present in our family.

Do you have a favorite song, band or musician currently?
Villano Antillao, who is a Puerto Rican transwoman rapper

How would your friends describe you?
caring, trustworthy, intelligent, and judgey

What is the one item you possess that you would run into a burning building to save?
pictures and a shirt from my paternal grandmother

What's the most daring thing you've ever done?
leaving Puerto Rico and coming out

What's your favorite family recipe?
my grandmother’s arroz con dolce

What's your favorite family tradition?
Christmas Eve at my godmother’s house - my cousins get together and play traditional Puerto Rican music

What is your favorite childhood memory?
when I heard that my mom was pregnant with my younger sister

Do you collect anything?
Vinyl

What three things do you think of the most each day?
my sister, food, and my career/tenure

If you had to describe yourself as an animal, which one would it be?
raven or squid

What is a character trait you would like to change about yourself and why?
self-doubt

What is the biggest obstacle you currently face?
not being able to return home (social services and health care not available for trans individuals)

What is your favorite place in the world, and why?
Caribbean, feeling of home

Heidi

The moment I knew I was undoubtedly transgender was when I tried a binder on for the first time. I went to a Harrisonburg LGBTQ+ safe space where they had a gender expression closet filled with free clothes. I found a binder and immediately felt compelled to take it. So, I did. Later that day I got home and called my partner. I was bubbling with excitement, I didn’t even go upstairs to change. I went into my downstairs bathroom and tried it on. The person staring back at me was one I hardly recognized. I immediately started to cry. It felt like me. Finally, I had a choice to present differently.

I was so confused because sometimes I loved being feminine but I also love being masculine and androgynous. I didn’t understand. It felt like choosing one set gender identity and expression was going to mean letting go of a part of myself, and I grappled with that for a long time. But when I realized I could have it all, and I don’t have to lie about my identity to make other people comfortable, everything changed.

I am out at school, to all my friends, colleagues, and professors. I can say without a doubt I have never loved myself more since coming out to people in my day-to-day life. I love my body so much more now that I don’t cram it into rigid gender expectations. I have found a community of queer people on my campus that makes me feel like I belong as my authentic self, maybe for the first time ever. I am in a relationship with a person who is so affirming of who I am and does nothing but unconditionally love and support me through my discoveries. I am so proud to be who I am, and I really want to share that with all of the people I care about. 

—-

From the beginning of my life, It was hard for me to understand the gender binary. I was always friends with boys. The next-door neighbor. My preschool class had one other girl that didn’t speak English. I always just made friends with people first and thought about the gender implications/dynamics later (when they were forced upon me). So often I was standing amongst my peers and felt like I never fit in. I didn’t understand why it was so hard to fit in as a girl or a boy. Never did I have the language to describe how I was feeling, until now. It is extremely difficult to describe to you how I feel about my gender because there is no feeling to compare it to. The best way I can describe it is this constant feeling like there is always something, deep down, missing. Like there is something deeply, fundamentally wrong with me. And for the longest time, I thought that there was. I thought I was the only person in the world that felt this way, always stuck in between, never being enough. I forced myself to be girly as possible because I never felt enough like a girl. I stopped doing sports as soon as they stopped being coed. So deep down, I have always known, I have just never had the language or understanding to express it.

—-

Interview with Heidi. Summer 2023:

Who is your hero?

“I’m my own hero”

What is your biggest fear?

letting people down

What really makes you angry?

hatred (of identities/groups of people)

What is your favorite book to read or favorite author?

I have dyslexia, so I listen to a lot of audiobooks instead of traditional reading. One of my current favorite books is Gender Queer: a Memoir by Maia Kobabe.

What is your opinion of ghosts and phantoms?

I believe in ghosts and the paranormal and I’m sensitive to sounds and energy. I also really enjoyed watching scary movies as a child.

Do you have a favorite song, band or musician currently?

I enjoy a lot of different types of music- including alt punk, Spanish/ German death metal

How would your friends describe you?

bold, confident

What's your favorite animal?

emperor penguins

What's the most daring thing you've ever done?

performed at the Kennedy Center (for the CAPPIE awards for Spamalot and Mary Poppins)

What's your favorite family recipe?

grandma’s chilli and lasagna

What's your favorite family tradition?

going to the beach with family in Sandbridge, VA

Do you collect anything?

rocks (crystals)

What three things do you think of the most each day?

1) my partner 2) clothes/fashion 3) gender/philosophy
I really enjoy exploring the area outside of the fitting rooms at stores. I find it really interesting to see what people choose not to get.

What is a character trait you would like to change about yourself and why?

1) interrupting people 2) I zone out during instructions

Marco

Shel Silverstein wrote a poem that I can’t seem to get out of my head. Titled “Masks”, this poem talks about two people with blue skin. They spend their whole life hiding it, yet they are always looking for someone like them. When they finally pass by each other, they don’t notice because they’re both wearing masks. 

I always thought that being known was so daunting and vulnerable. I wish I could tell you that I proved myself wrong; however, in actuality, I learned how hard being known truly is. Nonetheless, I think this naked truth about ourselves that we all spend so much time hiding is the exact thing that someone else is looking for. I like to think that no matter what your “blue” is, someone out there is looking for it. Maybe it’s your ethnicity, your religious beliefs, your sexuality, or something else.

For me, it’s my identity as a transgender man. I came out and transitioned in my sophomore year of high school. I didn’t know anyone else who was going through the same thing. Of course, I knew my friends and family loved and supported me, but I needed something else: I was always craving a connection, some deeper understanding with another person. I didn’t think anyone would ever ‘get it’. It was difficult to deal with.

But when I felt like hiding, I performed. I fell in love with performing because I learned how to channel all the emotions I had. By the end of junior year, I was involved in three performing arts classes, had emceed the talent show, and starred in the class lip sync battle as Justin Bieber. When I was on a stage, I was able to show the audience exactly what I wanted, without having to see their reaction.

Of course, off stage, I did have reactions in my daily life. Being known doesn’t mean being understood. People gossiped. Sometimes they would tell me that I was doing something wrong. Someone threw food at me in the cafeteria. I guess that’s not just in movies.

I never let their reactions stop me. I’m out. I’m proud. No mask.

Recently, I’ve had a few people come talk to me about questioning their own gender identity. Now, almost two years after I came out, I am being the person that I needed. Not only for students who are transgender, but for people that feel like no one can understand them. In a world of diverse people, somehow we still end up assuming that everyone is the same. Even if we don’t have the same experience, we can relate to each other. Empathy is a powerful force.

Yes, being known is hard, but I wouldn’t trade this vulnerability for comfort. Life is better blue.